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The Ins and Outs of Intimacy
i’ntimacy n. (ĭn'tə-mə-sē) - The state of being intimate; a close association with detailed knowledge or deep understanding; an act or expression of belonging together.
What is it and why is it necessary in a relationship?
Intimacy allows you and your partner to forge an emotionally and physically close bond in which you are each able to share and accept one another’s feelings without fear of condemnation. This can take nerve and takes time, too. When we ascend the heady heights into adulthood, many of us learn to keep our guard up and shield our innermost thoughts to prevent ourselves from either getting hurt or exposing ourselves as too vulnerable. Even when we find ourselves in a relationship with somebody we care deeply about, any urge to appear invincible, even with the very person we feel in many ways closest to, inhibits us from fully engaging on a most intimate level. Respect for the other when they do muster the courage to drop their defences and communicate honestly is a big part of achieving intimacy, and this respect needs to be reciprocated.
Intimacy is necessary for our physiological well-being because it gives us a strong feeling of connection. As humans we possess an innate need to belong, feel loved and not be isolated. As adults, intimacy with a partner fulfils these needs. Being in a relationship where both people are able to make one another feel truly appreciated and able to share of themselves can be a profoundly enriching experience.
How can my partner and I experience greater intimacy?
Listening - Listening to one another without interruption and showing consideration for one another’s openness helps to straddle any obstacles when communicating. Good communication is the bedrock of intimacy. The old saying, ‘actions speak louder than words’ also rings true. Words are not always needed – a reassuring gesture or approving look can make the other feel valued – but being able to verbally express much of the gamut of both positive and negative emotions allows for the kind of transparency that intimacy thrives from.
Conflict resolution - Rare is the relationship that never stumbles across conflict. Learning to resolve any discord that may arise is a huge part of building intimacy with each other. When emotions get the better of us we can become caught up in our own point of view and more prone to being defensive and critical of the other thereby blocking the channels of communication. When we make an effort to rationalize any negative emotions, it often makes it easier for the other to empathize, (e.g.: rather than accusing angrily, ‘You always do this’, keep grounded and say, ‘I feel like this because of….’).
Overcoming conflict takes conscious effort from both partners and often requires compromise and a reaching of middle ground. Seeing the relationship as bigger than the issues at the heart of any misunderstanding and being accepting of one another’s flaws also helps put things into perspective.
Laughter - Humour is a proven tension breaker and excellent fuse for intimacy. When you are both amused by something simultaneously it reinforces the link that unites you.
Showing affection - As well as involving touch, this is about demonstrating positive feelings of tenderness and warmth that come from things like giving compliments, preparing a favourite meal or remembering birthdays and anniversaries. Showing affection in ways that are not always sexually driven can help create a more gratifying sexual dimension of the relationship.
How does intimacy make for better sex with my partner?
Intimacy is not solely concerned with sexuality, but it does recognise that healthy sexual relations form a vital part of what enables many a loving partnership to flourish successfully. When deeper intimacy is present between the two of you, you will be more in sync with one another during love making.
Desmond Morris, the popular socio-biologist, defined 12 important steps to intimacy and found that couples who rushed through or skipped steps did not achieve longevity in their relationship, whereas those who progressed through the pattern step-by-step bonded more fully and experienced a more fruitful and lengthy union together:
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Eye to Body
The initial phase of sussing out the other and a possible beginning of the journey to intimacy with them.
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Eye to Eye
Making eye contact establishes whether there is interest from the other. Can be a potent stage of the flirting process.
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Voice to Voice
You find out about each other in conversation. Maintaining eye contact during dialogue generates deeper intimacy.
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Hand to Hand
This may begin as a helpful gesture – one assisting the other past an obstacle – but once you start holding hands it often signifies that the relationship has now become more than just friendship.
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Hand to Shoulder
An affectionate, friendly embrace; but one that still suggests closeness with the other.
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Arm to Waist
Suggestive of an increased physical comfort level with the other.
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Mouth to Mouth
You have become close enough to share a kiss. Sexual desire is now elicited further.
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Hand to Head
We rarely feel secure with just anyone touching our heads or faces, so this stage is suggestive of you allowing yourself to be a bit more vulnerable with the other.
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Hand to Body
Caressing one another (first clothed, then disrobed) is a palpable physical expression of desire for the other and wanting to create further closeness.
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Mouth to Breast
Each of you becomes more comfortable with using your mouth to explore one another’s body.
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Touching below Waist
Not quite sex, but still extremely personal.
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Sexual Intercourse
The final stage - the peak of physical intimacy.
